Why Do We Fight with Our Kids? (and How to Break the Cycle)

Every parent has had that moment—the one where your calm, reasonable adult brain gets hijacked by a tiny human in a dinosaur T-shirt. Maybe it happens in the cereal aisle. Maybe it happens when you ask them to put on their shoes for the tenth time. Or maybe it’s the quiet battles: homework standoffs, sibling fights, or the bedtime routine that somehow becomes a nightly negotiation.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why does my child push my buttons like no one else?”—you’re not alone. And the answer isn’t that your child is trying to make your life hard. 

It’s Not Defiance—It’s Disconnection

Kids don’t melt down, dig in, or explode because they’re bad or disrespectful. They do it when they’re overwhelmed, confused, or feeling disconnected from us. Their nervous system goes into “survival mode,” and everything—from refusing the wrong cereal to shouting “No!”—is a signal that they need help, not punishment.

It’s a huge shift for parents. When we stop seeing behavior as something they’re doing to us and start seeing it as something they’re feeling inside, our reactions change too.

Why the Usual Strategies Don’t Work

Most of us reach for the tools we’ve been told to use: timeouts, charts, consequences, scripts. And they might help for a day…but the same battles come right back. Todd says that’s because these strategies try to change behavior without repairing the relationship underneath.

Kids can’t learn emotional skills when they don’t feel safe or connected. Connection is the foundation. Everything else is built on top of it.

So What Actually Helps?

• Start with attachment and connection. When you understand how your child’s brain work it instantly changes how you interpret their behavior.

• Teach self-regulation and natural consequences. Once your child feels safe with you, they’re more able to learn better ways to handle frustration.

• Create predictability and rhythm at home. Kids thrive when life feels predictable. Small rituals—a morning hug, a Sunday walk, reading together after school—build a sense of security.

• Remember: kids don’t know everything yet. Many behaviors that look defiant are actually signs of missing skills. Patience and guidance go much farther than punishment.

Good News: It Gets Easier

Once you build connection the button-pushing moments get less intense and less frequent. Cooperation returns. Transitions get smoother. The home feels calmer.

And maybe most importantly, you start to see your child not as a tiny opponent trying to “win,” but as a young human learning to grow.

If you’re tired of feeling taken down by a toddler—or a teen—listen to this podcast episode - scroll for the link!